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Some Days;
There are just too many words...
And not enough ways to say them.
There are just too many words...
And not enough ways to say them.
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My brother and I were visiting our good friends, my soul brother and his wife. As we were about to leave and they all were talking and kidding around like we always do before we leave each other, suddenly I was no longer in the living room but someplace else all together...
Suddenly I am traveling through a series of interlocking caverns, one that leads to another and then on to another and so on. They seem to go deeper and deeper in. I can feel myself moving through these caves. I can feel the air against my face, my skin, not at all chill though it feels like it ought to be. Nor does it feel damp though I can see the damp in places on the rocks and walls as I pass. I can smell which in its self is odd, as unless something downright reeks to high heaven I can no longer smell things. The smell is strangely clean and oddly refreshing. I remember that I should be sitting in my friend’s living room, and there is a part of me far back in my mind that can almost feel and see that I still do. But the strangest of all is I know that I am traveling without my feet touching the ground. And this should freak me as I hate flying dreams, they frankly creep me out. But this doesn’t feel like my uncontrolled flying dreams, this feels as if some other force is carrying me along which should bother me but there is no fear or the lack of my own control.
I hear the larger cavern before I see it. I hear the low rhythmic beating sound. I see the light, soft pale but somehow compelling. I am pulled towards it not just by the force that carries me, but also by something with in that seems to call to me. I enter into the cavern; it seems to be one of the largest, in it lays a body of water that could easily be called a small sea, the waves softly cashing back and forth making the booming noise that echoes through all the caves.
Above the water, is a very high ceiling that seems to act as a sky. It is a pale, light yellow and seems to glow softly. On the far side of the cavern above the water; hung in that pale, pale yellow, is a large round copper dick that shines and gleams like the sun on a new penny. From it and the sky come warmth and the source of the light.
Below this is the small sea, the waves in constant movement. The washing of this water against the dark gray lava stones and rocks that line the cavern and stink out here and there on the shore, make a low hollow sound. It is a rhythmic sound very much like that of the beating of a very large slow beating heart. The water is warm to the touch.
The beach that makes up the shore on this side of the water and lies between the lava rocks is made up of rounded almost smooth pieces of pure crystal. The seawater washes back and forth over this making the strangest sound, a cross between soft tinkling and a something heavy being dragged along. The strange and unsettling thing about these waves is the color. The waves are blood red, and there is no real water in this sea, just this clear blood red fluid.
This place calls to me; it pulls me. It seems to speak to me to come, to bathe, to enter in, to drink of its life, to become one with it. The pull is very, very strong and I do not trust it. I want to go, to leave, but I do not want to go to leave. The pull is so strong and it calls, it sings to me, beckons me, but while the feel of that call is welcoming and warm, I deep, deep inside of me sense that there might be more than one danger. And I can’t help wondering what else is there. I have just never ever been all that trusting.
The stale mate might have gone on but my soul brother sensed I was not really in the living room and had stated calling out to me. It was his voice I felt, and his voice I followed out. I saw him first and heard him say come back. I am not sure that his wife or my brother fully understood what had happened, and though I never said, I firmly believed my soul brother called me back from something that lives only in Shadows. But why that should have bothered me so, I don’t really understand as yet. The thing is that cavern is still there; I can sometime almost feel and smell it. Sometimes I can still see it and sometimes almost faintly hear it; it is like it is just waiting; waiting and wanting for me to return.
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When I first started to remember, the really bad stuff from the past that I had forgotten; I woke up one morning with a vision of Mouse. Mouse is one of my alters, she looks a bit like me at sixteen with short mousy blond brown hair and big brown eyes that sparkle with humor.
In the vision I seen a shallow valley surrounded by low green hills all around. The sky is bright blue, the sun warm and golden and there is a smell of spring on the air. It is warm with a slight friendly breeze. I see tiptoeing through the middle of this valley, Mouse. She is wearing a grayish blue t-shirt and jean shorts, and she is barefoot. She is tip toeing barefoot through the middle of this shallow valley with very exaggerated steps. She sees me watching and with a gleam of humor and amusement on her face she holds one finger to her lips that tell me we must be very, very quiet. I look down at her feet to see that what she is tip toeing through is a valley full of old broken bones, skulls and dried blood. I am kind of puzzled.
It took me several months to search out what she was trying to tell me, but then I puzzled it out. I realize what she was trying to say was…
"Walk softly among the old dead bones of the past, least they rise up behind you and bite you in the ass!"
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I am on what seems to be some kind of space ship. It is filled with strange, tall silent creatures-aliens. The light is a murky sort of dirty yellow, and fills the space within the ship without seeming to come from any one source.
There has been an argument going on, quiet fighting and disagreement of some sort. The ship is filled with tension. I am being held by the strange creatures, my arms behind my back as they force me to look through a rather large longish window by two of the alien’s creatures. There are tall large square blocks of instruments framing both sides of this window, with the ceiling forming the top. The row of instruments on the right seems to go on further than the ones on the left, and than tapers off further on. The light also seems to be brighter on the right, and the left side is dimmer to almost dark…
The window in front of me that I am being forced to look out, and it does seem to be a window and not a viewing screen, the window is rather large I could step inside it, but it sits low to the floor and seems to slant outward and down from the walls. It is not on the same angle as the instruments on either side of it. I don’t seem to be looking out of it so much as looking down through it, and the creatures force my head downwards as to be on the same angle with it. It seems to be on an almost 45% angle.
The window looks down into space. In the window out in space is a planet, it takes up most of the viewing space of the window. Its ether very large or we are really close to it. I think there are other space ships around the planet as I catch glimmers of light off metal in the starlight. I feel completely confused and bewildered.
Suddenly the planet seems to explode from within without warning. It explodes in a fiery ball of yellow, white and red flame, and is gone. The tall, silent alien creatures have done it though I do not know why or how I know this. I feel great horror, disbelieve and confusion as the planet is destroyed. And the fact that it is all so silently, no noise, no nothing, makes it somehow seem even more horrifying.
The creatures release me; I turn stunned and terrified to my right to see my brother standing there. He is tall, blond and young and also being held by two other of the large (they must easily be between seven and eight feet tall). He is straining against their hold, struggling, screaming and crying, trying to pull loose from their hold… He is calling me a traitor, screaming it’s all my fault the planet is gone and our people are dead. I am confused, disbelieving. He has gone quite mad with grief. Did I do it, am I the cause??? If I did, than why am I so confused?? I don’t think I am guilty of this crime, it doesn’t feel so. But I am numb and in shock from the double loss of my people and my world, and my brothers madness added to that.
Was there a plan that I was somehow a part of that backfired miserable????
The scene replays over and over throughout Jr. High and most of High School. All the time I was living in Washington. Certain people seem to bring it on, they were the ones who also seem to see this scene too, however from a different perspective. They also seem to know much more about what was happening in what I saw than I had actually told them.
I think part of my confusion during the vision is the knowledge somewhere deep inside me that the planet destroyed was NOT earth, and the only brother I had was only two at the time this started, and was neither tall nor blond. I never really got any answers and wonder still what it all meant and why it kept repeating its self.
There has been an argument going on, quiet fighting and disagreement of some sort. The ship is filled with tension. I am being held by the strange creatures, my arms behind my back as they force me to look through a rather large longish window by two of the alien’s creatures. There are tall large square blocks of instruments framing both sides of this window, with the ceiling forming the top. The row of instruments on the right seems to go on further than the ones on the left, and than tapers off further on. The light also seems to be brighter on the right, and the left side is dimmer to almost dark…
The window in front of me that I am being forced to look out, and it does seem to be a window and not a viewing screen, the window is rather large I could step inside it, but it sits low to the floor and seems to slant outward and down from the walls. It is not on the same angle as the instruments on either side of it. I don’t seem to be looking out of it so much as looking down through it, and the creatures force my head downwards as to be on the same angle with it. It seems to be on an almost 45% angle.
The window looks down into space. In the window out in space is a planet, it takes up most of the viewing space of the window. Its ether very large or we are really close to it. I think there are other space ships around the planet as I catch glimmers of light off metal in the starlight. I feel completely confused and bewildered.
Suddenly the planet seems to explode from within without warning. It explodes in a fiery ball of yellow, white and red flame, and is gone. The tall, silent alien creatures have done it though I do not know why or how I know this. I feel great horror, disbelieve and confusion as the planet is destroyed. And the fact that it is all so silently, no noise, no nothing, makes it somehow seem even more horrifying.
The creatures release me; I turn stunned and terrified to my right to see my brother standing there. He is tall, blond and young and also being held by two other of the large (they must easily be between seven and eight feet tall). He is straining against their hold, struggling, screaming and crying, trying to pull loose from their hold… He is calling me a traitor, screaming it’s all my fault the planet is gone and our people are dead. I am confused, disbelieving. He has gone quite mad with grief. Did I do it, am I the cause??? If I did, than why am I so confused?? I don’t think I am guilty of this crime, it doesn’t feel so. But I am numb and in shock from the double loss of my people and my world, and my brothers madness added to that.
Was there a plan that I was somehow a part of that backfired miserable????
The scene replays over and over throughout Jr. High and most of High School. All the time I was living in Washington. Certain people seem to bring it on, they were the ones who also seem to see this scene too, however from a different perspective. They also seem to know much more about what was happening in what I saw than I had actually told them.
I think part of my confusion during the vision is the knowledge somewhere deep inside me that the planet destroyed was NOT earth, and the only brother I had was only two at the time this started, and was neither tall nor blond. I never really got any answers and wonder still what it all meant and why it kept repeating its self.
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Again I find myself walking through these woods, as always it is so very overcast that often when I walk these woods it feels like early twilight. But with the white gray light, time doesn’t seem to have much meaning. The trees are mainly maple and birch. I find this always odd as I have no maple and birch forests around me, only the lofty evergreen pines I grew up with. It always seems to be fall here in these woods no matter what time of year I started from. There are leaves always on the ground and the trees are forever in shades of brown, yellow and orange. Sometimes there is a light breeze that gently stirs the leaves.
There is no path; I just wander aimlessly between the trees, meandering back and forth with no real purpose. I know I have been here before, although I never know how I get here. It’s peaceful, calm; the only sound is the sighing of the gentle breeze though the trees and the leaves on the ground. As always I walk until I see a kind of building in front of me. It's made of weathered wood and stone, with great double doors always wide open to the woods although there is no path in front of those doors. I walk inside through these doors noticing as usual the leaves from outside have drifted though the door as well and no one ever seems clean them out.
I find myself walking down aisle with wooden and stone benches, or sometimes they are rough wooden pews on either side. The walls of this building sour up above my head with no windows anywhere. The only other opening in the walls, is a small side door across from the alter up front, which is also always open and leads back to the woods. There is no roof. There has never been a roof. It’s not missing, the building was never meant to have a roof. The trees and the leaves are its roof.
I wander down the aisle to the alter looking up and around. The temple is empty, always empty, always full of leaves; but it’s not dusty as you would expect a place with no roof to be. It’s very peaceful, quiet and tranquil. I have no clue as to where this place is. I never know how I get there and back again. The only sound I have ever heard in this place is the wind in the leaves, no birds, no insects, no people.
I like it there. It’s one of the few places in my life I feel totally safe and alone.
There is no path; I just wander aimlessly between the trees, meandering back and forth with no real purpose. I know I have been here before, although I never know how I get here. It’s peaceful, calm; the only sound is the sighing of the gentle breeze though the trees and the leaves on the ground. As always I walk until I see a kind of building in front of me. It's made of weathered wood and stone, with great double doors always wide open to the woods although there is no path in front of those doors. I walk inside through these doors noticing as usual the leaves from outside have drifted though the door as well and no one ever seems clean them out.
I find myself walking down aisle with wooden and stone benches, or sometimes they are rough wooden pews on either side. The walls of this building sour up above my head with no windows anywhere. The only other opening in the walls, is a small side door across from the alter up front, which is also always open and leads back to the woods. There is no roof. There has never been a roof. It’s not missing, the building was never meant to have a roof. The trees and the leaves are its roof.
I wander down the aisle to the alter looking up and around. The temple is empty, always empty, always full of leaves; but it’s not dusty as you would expect a place with no roof to be. It’s very peaceful, quiet and tranquil. I have no clue as to where this place is. I never know how I get there and back again. The only sound I have ever heard in this place is the wind in the leaves, no birds, no insects, no people.
I like it there. It’s one of the few places in my life I feel totally safe and alone.
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